THE UNSINKABLE B M: THE PRISON REPORT WITH BERNIE MADOFF

Well they got me. What can I say?

If I told you I had a good reason for doing what I did would you understand?

If I told you I did what I did for love, would that humanize me in your minds?

Well, it's true. I'm a victim too you know. That's the power of love.

As I sit here contemplating my future over the next 150 years, I think of Ruth.

This song I write for her:

Hey there Bubbeleh

What's it like in New York City?

Our penthouse seems a thousand miles away

But Ruth, tonight you look so pretty

Yes you do

Interrogation spotlights can't shine as bright as you

I swear it's true

_____________________________________

Hey there Bubbeleh

Don't worry about the investors

We have that account down in the Caymans

In the name of my cousin Lester

Don't touch it yet

It'll help get us out of debt

Gabeesh, my little pet?

____________________________________

Oy it's what you do to me

Oy it's what you do to me

Oy it's what you do to me

Oy it's what you do to me

What you do to me

__________________________________

Hey there Bubbeleh

I robbed from Peter and from Paul

The stupid schmucks I fooled them all

Ruthie dear, I had no other way

I stole a little, then a lot

Now I'm sleeping on a cot

My back will never, ever be the same

And you're to blame, yes, you're to blame

_______________________________________

150 years seems pretty long

They tell me I did something wrong

They're all just jealous of my acquired wealth

We had homes and boats and cars

But now I sit here behind bars

My reputation will never, ever be the same

Oh, what a shame, my good name

_______________________________________

Oy it's what you do to me

Oy it's what you do to me

Oy it's what you do to me

Oy it's what you do to me

______________________________________

I've got so much left to say

But these guards are taking my pen away

Those filthy, rotten, no-good schmucks

I wish I had a couple of bucks

I'd bribe them all to look the other way

But I can't pay

I can't pay

_______________________________________

Hey there Bubbeleh

You be good and don't you miss me

150 more years and I'll be out of jail

And I'll be making history like I do

You know it's all because of you

We did whatever we wanted to

Hey there Bubbeleh here's to you

This one's for you

____________________________________

Oy it's what you do to me

Oy it's what you do to me

Oy it's what you do to me

Oy it's what you do to me

What you do to me

Madoff signing out.

(149 years, 351 days and counting. Ruthie dear, please wait for your Bernie Bear).

WORLD'S FIRST HONEST AUTO MECHANIC DISCOVERED

Worthington, Oh- In what some scientists are describing as a ground breaking discovery, an automobile mechanic who doesn't overcharge unsuspecting motorists for unnecessary "repairs" was actually found alive and working in an Ohio suburb.

"I am truly speechless," said Dr. Laszlo Ferrar, "I had almost given up hope that one actually existed. I've spent the better part of 20 years searching for this elusive creature. There were rumors about possible sightings, but it always ended the same way, in utter disappointment, a 'new' timing belt and a bill for $600. Until now."

Bill James, the world's first honest mechanic, has been repairing automobiles for the residents of Worthington, Ohio, a small suburb of Columbus, for the past 40 years.

James, 58, whose motto, "An honest day's work for an honest day's pay" is unprecedented in the auto repair industry.

This discovery, once unheard of, has now changed the heart and mindset of even the most jaded consumers.

"I brought my '99 Ford Tempo in for an oil change, and do you know what I got? An oil change. An actual oil change. I couldn't believe it!" exclaimed Debbie Casali,"usually when I bring my car to a shop for an oil change I get a bill for a fuel pump and brake pads. I am shocked, I thought there must be something wrong with this man or maybe he was just mentally challenged and couldn't add. He gave me a bill for $21. I stood there dumbfounded, he had to help me to a chair so that I could sit down, I felt a little dizzy by the whole experience."

It is a mystery how a discovery like this has eluded scientists, consumer advocists, and the media for four decades. Some experts are equating this to capturing a unicorn or swimming with a mermaid. A myth, a fantasy, which was written off long ago as the musings of dreamers who were not grounded in reality.

"My colleagues scoffed at my research and told me I had a better chance of capturing the Loch Ness Monster. I've left them all slaw-jacked with this discovery of Mr. James. He may actually earn me a shot at a Nobel Prize," said Dr.Ferrar.

As with any discovery of this magnitude the speculation of a hoax is bandied about. Many in the auto repair industry claim Bill James is a fraud, most notably other repair shops located in and around Worthington.

"Impossible," said Cletus Mayhew of the Firestone Complete Auto Care Center on N. High Street, "James ain't no real mechanic. Can't be. There's no way he charges those prices and runs an auto repair shop. No way! We got lots of overhead to pay for, we can't have you come in here for just an oil change, it's impossible! We need to charge at least $300 on every job or we might as well close our doors. That's the way it is. Every mechanic worth his salt knows that. I'll say it again, James ain't no real mechanic! Remember where you heard that, Ol' Cletus Mayhew over here at Firestone on N. High Street.
And when you come to your senses, bring your car on over, we're runnin' a free diagnostic test this week on all makes and models, but bring your checkbook, just in case we find somethin' wrong." DD

Opinion

Hi, my name is Kevin Nelson and I really need your help. I have a job interview on Monday and I was wondering if you think this jacket is a little too retro for me?
I have a fairly impressive resume, but it's the face to face interview that really makes or breaks you.
I don't want to look, well you know, ridiculous. Sometimes a potential employer will size you up before you even open your mouth, and I don't want to lose out because of bad fashion sense.
I think the jacket works, especially with the tie, but hey, you never know, I could be totally off base here.
I do have a dark tweed sports coat with the patches on the elbows, you know real sophisticated, but I've worn that one so many times already that it's getting kind of boring.
How about the shirt? Do you think a little splash of color might be more pleasing to the eye? Maybe mauve or even, let's say, peach?
Something that says, 'Hey mister future employer, Kevin Nelson is a complete professional, but you know what, he has a playful side too. You'd better snatch this guy up before some other mega corporation beats you to it.'
I'm just not sure, but I do want to make a great first impression. When I step into the office I want them to say to themselves,' That's him! That's the man we've been looking for to fill this position.'
I think this look works for me, but I'd like your feedback. You'd never know it to look at me, but sometimes I tend to obsess on things, and take things a little too far. I'd hate to make a bad choice and make a fool of myself.
Thanks a lot, I could really use your input, it would mean the world to me.
Your friend, and hopefully soon to be employed, Kevin Nelson.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

NEW VARIETY SHOW 'NOSFERATU & FRIENDS' CANCELED AFTER ONLY TWO EPISODES



Ill fated variety show 'Nosferatu & Friends' was quickly canceled by fledgling network CW today due to controversy. The show, which centered around ancient ghoulish vampire Nosferatu, was flawed from its inception.

Trying to capitalize on the pop culture fascination with vampires, a few aggressive network executives thought it would be a good idea to build a variety show around one of the oldest vampires in Hollywood.

"They try to do things on the cheap over there at that network. We've seen some bad ideas thrown together with very limited budgets before from them, but this was an all time low. Nosferatu is not a very well known vampire, especially to the target audience of 18-34 that they were gearing it toward. He is also notoriously unpredictable to deal with, that's why no one in the business has worked with him in over 70 years. This is one idea that literally came back to bite them," said Melissa Marconi, executive producer for ABC.

The episodes of the show which aired the past two consecutive Saturdays at 8, were a disaster from the opening scene. Apparently Nosferatu only groans and hisses and makes other inarticulate sounds, and yet they had him attempting to sing a duet with former 'American Idol' contestant William Hung.
Their bizarre rendition of "I'm too sexy" was assumed to be a joke, but came off as creepy. Nosferatu, with unblinking eyes wide open, just stared and groaned at Hung, and slowly inched closer and closer to him as the song progressed, culminating with his claw-like fingers around Hung's throat. The show then quickly cut to commercial never finishing the song. Hung was not seen again on the show after the commercial break, or anywhere else for that matter.

"It was the worst experience of my life," said a production assistant on the show who refused to reveal her name for safety reasons. "They had dance numbers and sketch comedy routines planned, but Nosferatu would not cooperate. In one sketch he was supposed to be a sheriff who comes busting through the door of an old saloon to save a damsel in distress but instead he attacked the woman himself. It was horrible, it took seven stage crew members to pull him off her. I still have nightmares about that."

Another production problem ocurred when the editors realized that Nosferatu only appears in black and white, and all attempts to colorize his performances were unsuccessful, creating a strange and unsettling visual image.
Each episode was supposed to end with the whole cast onstage singing a group song, but no one wanted to get within 10 feet of the menacing vampire.

"I hope he never works in this town again," said co-star Bruce Brickmeier, a veteran actor and singer who has appeared in countless Broadway musicals, "I've never worked with someone so unprofessional in all my years in show business. He couldn't sing, he couldn't dance, he couldn't act, he was useless. It was like working with Tom Arnold all over again."

Nosferatu's career in show business seems to have come to an abrupt end, and he will probably slink back into the shadows where he has been hiding for three quarters of a century. Unless, of course, he turns his attention to producing, where various ghouls, like Harvey Weinstein, have had quite successful careers.
Only Nosferatu knows for sure what his plans are, and as usual, he's not talking.
DD

HAVIN' A BALL WITH CHARLES & PAUL

YOUR FAVORITE SPORTS REPORTERS HAVE DECIDED TO COME OUT........................
WITH THEIR PREDICTIONS FOR THE NBA FINALS......




Paul- Hello faithful readers, Charles and I have been on an extended vacation, but we flew back just in time to cover the NBA Finals.

Charles- Oh Oh, I'm so glad to be back on American soil. I kissed the ground the minute I stepped off that lousy plane.

Paul- That was a little more than ground that you were kissing there big fella. You know it's customary to give a monetary tip to a man who carries your luggage, I think you went a little overboard there Casanova.

Charles- I didn't have anything smaller than a five, don'tcha know, oh,oh. Besides, money is quickly spent, I gave that man a memory he won't ever forget.

Paul- Yeah, and he'll have the doctor's bills to prove it.

Charles- Meeoww, can I get a saucer of milk for my friend over here. Must you be so vile with your salty little comments?

Paul- Alright, alright, take it easy there Chuck, I'm just pullin' your chain.

Charles- Too late!! Har Har, Oh, Oh.

Paul- Let's get to some basketball, shall we?

Charles- Of course, we are sports reporters after all. I'll tell you Paul, I'm so excited, I can't wait to watch LeBron James in action, that ebony prince is pure poetry in motion. I could watch his moves for hours upon hours, in slow motion, with the lights turned off and surrounded by hundreds of candles.

Paul- Sorry there big fella, but the Cavs lost to the Magic in the last round while you were traipsing all over Paris. Your ebony prince will be watching the Finals from home, same as us.

(cricket, cricket)

Paul- Hello there big fella, did you hear what I just said ?

Charles- Yes. I heard.

Paul- That's it? That's your response? Yes, I heard. Don't be such a drama queen now Chuck, our fans are eagerly awaiting our predictions you know.

Charles- I don't have any predictions.

Paul- Stop! I refuse to continue this article unless you snap out of your prissy little funk.

Charles- Fine.

Paul- Ok then, we have the Los Angeles Lakers with Kobe Bryant against the Orlando Magic with Dwight Howard. You're gonna like this Chuck. Do you know what Kobe's nickname is?

Charles- Unconvicted Rapist?

Paul- Now, we're getting close to some of that acidic Charles Nelson Reilly wit that we know and love.

Charles- Oh, oh, you're right Paul, I am feeling better, please forgive me. All it takes is one snide comment to make me feel better. Besides, LeBron is young, very young, dontcha know, he's barely legal, which is one of my favorite things about him. We still have all his commercials to look forward to, oh, oh.

Paul- What's your prediction for the series there Chuckles?

Charles- Well, if I must, I'll have to pick Orlando in eight.

Paul- Orlando in eight?

Charles- That's right. What's wrong with that?

Paul- You do realize that I'm talking about the city in Florida and not Tony Orlando, right Chuck?

Charles- If I thought you were referring to Tony Orlando I would have said 5 1/2, dontcha know.

Paul- So you're sticking with Orlando in eight?

Charles- Correct.

Paul- How can you make such a ridiculous prediction and expect our readers to take us seriously?

Charles- Don't you take a condescending tone with me sister or I'll walk out of here just like I did on Match Game, when Brett Sommers farted the National Anthem during a taping.

Paul- Oh, please, enough with the Brett Sommers story, I've heard it a million times. Try sitting in the center square next to Wayland Flowers and Madame. He was doing things with that puppet that would have offended the Marquis de Sade.
So save your Brett Sommers stories for someone else.

Charles- Oh, Oh, I'm the last person you want to get into a pissing contest with, as proven by our night in that Hamburg hotel room, so just give us your prediction already.

Paul- Lakers in three, alright there big fella. That's more of a realistic pick, and one that our readers have come to expect from us.

Charles- Whatever. My heart's not in it this year anyway. There's always next year LeBron.

Paul- Anyway, the game will be on any minute and I must get into my game time kimono. I hope you enjoy watching those large, sweaty men bang into each other as much as we do, and we'll talk to you before the next ball drops.