"My intellect has taken a step backward since discovering The Daily Drivel" - Albert Einstein
" When I read it I begin to hate my fellow man. I want to hit something"- Mohandas Gandhi
"A complete abomination. We all weep at its very existence"- Abraham Lincoln
"I wouldn't begin my day without it. I've learned so much." - Lindsay Lohan

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Frank Dreybeck Invites Everyone To Kiss His Ass

You read that right, and I hope you do it too. I’d be more than happy to show you which part of my vertical smile you can paste your lips to. More than happy. I hope the incompetent editor of this sorry publication doesn’t change a word of it either, although you’d have to be able to read, so I’m probably safe. I’m a newspaper man. Have been for as far back as I can remember. I’m a newspaper man in an age of paperless journalism. Frankly, it makes me sick. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, like starting your day with newsprint all over your hands. One of the great joys of life.
I’m being “retired” because of too many reader complaints.
I’m being “retired” because I tell the truth (no M&M candy coating here).
I’m being “retired” because I’m a dinosaur, a fossil from a forgotten age.
So, you didn’t like my style, huh. What’s the matter, was I a little too harsh for your precious sensibilities? Too bad. It’s called honest journalism.
Was I a little too opinionated for your taste? Boo hoo. I’ve been a journalist for over fifty years for some of the finest, most well respected newspapers this country has ever produced.
I've interviewed presidents and kings. I've covered revolutions and assassinations. I've shared a newsroom with Woodward and Bernstein. I've shagged fly balls with Mickey Mantle and rode a horse with John Wayne. I've bedded Marilyn Monroe and Angie Dickinson (twice). What have you done?
The Daily Drivel is a joke, a bad joke. The editor, Josh Banter, looks and dresses like a homeless person. He wouldn’t know a good news story if it slapped him across the face, which is exactly what I’m going to do to him on my way out the front door. The lead reporter, Laszlo Ferrar, is a talent less bum who barely got out of high school. His IQ is equivalent to that of a baked potato, and if the potato has sour cream and chives then the edge goes to the potato. No legitimate news source in the country would hire a hack like this as a copy boy, never mind its lead reporter. None. Zero. Only this scandalous rag. They are more of a joke than the “paper” itself. I hope they both rot in hell, alongside that lecherous prick Bob Barker.
My time working for The Daily Drivel, or more accurately, “The Barely Dribble”, has been some of the worst of my career. I began reporting as a 19 year old in the Korean War, and have covered every major world event since. How I wound up here I’ll never know. They choose to report on fluff pieces like a bathroom attendant who wins the lottery and some drunken fool at a Cubs game. This is news? Well if it is, it’s news to me. It’s all one big joke. It has to be, that’s the only explanation. They have “contributors” like Gary Busey, Count Dracula, and a cavalcade of miscreants even more reprehensible. It’s a disgrace and an insult to serious journalists everywhere.
Everyone associated with this “paper” can get in line, along with all of you reading this, and pucker up as I bend over and drop my trousers.
Sincerely (up) yours,
Frank Dreybeck

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