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Monday, January 5, 2009

South American Rugby Team Resorts to Cannibalism When Bus Breaks Down On The New Jersey Turnpike

A rugby team from Uruguay, traveling by bus through the United States for various tournaments, has been struck by tragedy. Team Hambre, a team of All Stars from Uruguay, was on its way to play a rugby match in Newark NJ, when smoke suddenly started to billow from the engine. The driver pulled onto the shoulder near exit 13 of the New Jersey Turnpike and assessed the damage as a blown head gasket and called for a tow truck. When the members of the team heard the news that the tow truck would take over an hour to arrive, inevitably, panic set in.
Within 15 minutes all food and drink on the bus had been consumed and the hunger of several team members drove them to drastic measures.
Roberto Canales, a co-captain of the team, decided to take matters into his own hands and began eating fellow team mate, Diego Zavaleta. Zavaleta was presumed dead by Canales and several others because his eyes were closed. As it turns out, Zavaleta was merely taking a nap, and awoke to see his right foot covered in ketchup and placed between two pieces of white bread, as Canales with a napkin tied around his neck, began to eat.
“We didn’t think we were going to make it. It was so dark and cold outside, and we were so hungry. Diego gave his life for his team, it was a tough decision, but it was the right one. We would have starved, what choice did we have? He was third string anyway, he rarely played, so he wasn’t as muscular as the rest of us. Muscle is so hard to chew through,” said Canales.
The tow truck arrived 45 minutes after it was called, and Joe Nugent, the driver of the tow truck was horrified by the scene upon his arrival.
“I walked over to talk to the driver and I did a double take when I saw what was going on next to the bus. There were several guys in rugby uniforms putting hot sauce and blue cheese on a human leg and two arms. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I started screaming, ‘Hey, what the hell is going on’, but they ignored me and kept on eating, I guess they were pretty hungry. The thing that confuses me the most about the whole situation is the fact that the rest stop was only 200 yards away. There is a Sbarro, Cinnabon, and TCBY all right there. It just doesn’t make sense,” said Nugent.
After a slight delay Team Hambre resumed its game schedule and remains undefeated thus far on its North American tour. They have dedicated the rest of their games to Diego Zavaleta, and consider him a National hero.
“It was our darkest hour as a team, but somehow we survived our ordeal. We pulled together, that’s what great teams do,” said Canales, “we will always remember Diego and his selfless act. He is a true hero. We will remember him as a talented team mate, a good friend, a brave person, and a filling meal.” DD (special contributor to this story- Dr. Dean Romano)

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